Why the f@*k am I doing this again?

No.

Not having another baby before you lot start jumping to conclusions...

It's worse than that...

The day of reckoning is upon us...

A day that shall go down in WallyHistory as the day WallyMummy officially lost it.

Yes. We're going on 'holiday' tomorrow. By which I mean I'm subjecting myself to seven days of cruel and unusual punishment and taking WallyGranny and some gin along for the ride. Boom. 

Clearly I'm now into self-harm of the mental variety as I decided to book us on a flight at 7.05am... Awesome. Was too tight to reserve seats... Awesomer. And now that's WallyBubba's stuff is packed I've basically had space for my sunglasses and a bra... So it is going to be THE AWESOMEST.

So before I depart, I thought I'd share some essential holiday prep tips with you incase you decide a week of toddler-torture is up your street as well... *winces*

• NEVER let a toddler see, handle, or hold the passports. Else you will never see, handle or hold the passports again. 
• Forget that you are actually attending as well. It's irrelevant. Pack that trunki full of Lola, Peppa and the bastard Night Garden gang and look f@*king happy about it. 
• You won't need anything you pack. But everything you don't pack will become SH!TTING VITAL once you land. Drink until the sinking feeling disappears. 
• They don't need beach clothes. Seven swim nappies a day and a hat is all that's required.
• If the medical bag you've packed couldn't medicate and sustain an African village for a year you clearly haven't brought enough.
• UV suits are for wimps - if they can't break out of the hotel room, they can't burn can they...
• They won't need shoes. Shoes make them faster. You'll need a fighting chance...
• Pack a book - you know, just for a laugh.
• Portable DVD player and enough episodes of Charlie and Lola to start your own channel are essential. Especially if you plan on enjoying G&T plane time in the toilet cubicle. Let them knock... you'll be in there a while... rocking in the silence...
• *whispers* They won't check the sippy cups... use them to hide your gin, dignity and despair...
• Remember - Food bribery is not beneath any of us. Keep the Biscotti coming... No-one wants a repeat of naked-turdy-tantrum-tot in the aisles on this Boeing 747 thank you very much. 
• The more pathetic you look before take off the more likely the stewardesses are to move the person next to you. Try a few well timed tears of desperation and the occasional wail...
• During the flight NO 'toy' is off limits. The iPhone, iPad, wallet, keys, credit cards, mummy's hair/skin... she can have it all. If you plan on presenting a fairly convincing 'I can control my child' act in public then previously forbidden technology is the answer. Along with Wotsits. And Biscotti. And gin.
• Don't drug your child. It's inappropriate and frowned upon. Drug yourself. Far more effective. 

Right. That's enough chat. I'm off for one last cry in the bathroom before it's time to pack the car...

#BonWallyVoyage
#ginupthesippycups
#gin

Why Won't She Eat Bastard Anything...?

Why won't she eat bastard anything...?
She used to love chomping all night.
Now it's a battle just to get near her face,
With anything that won't end in a fight.

Why won't WallyBubba eat anything...?
I'm so bored of watching her pick.
And chuck on the floor, what I've been slaving for,
And look at me like it's a trick.

Why won't my daughter eat anything...?
I've tried everything that I know.
Veggie bakes, dippy things, pies baked with love...
But if it's not made of chocolate, it's 'NO.'

Why won't my child bloody eat anything...?
Humans can't survive on yoghurt alone.
I can't leave the house without a whole bunch of munch,
Once the cheesy puffs are finished we go home.

Why won't she go back to eating anything...?
When she just shoved everything in.
Now it's teatime warfare, that for mummy is not fair,
So thank f@*k for petit filous and gin.


#petitfilousandgin
#mostlygin

Pub (Toddler) Rules

1. No under age drinking. That includes sending your toddler to the bar to gin up the sippy cup. (again). You'll have to fetch your own drinks until they're at least five...
2. Shirts must be worn at all times. Nappy-only sprinting and naked crisp eating exempt. 
3. No shouting/bad language. Whispering very close to their faces is far scarier and more effective on under 2's. And husbands. And bar staff who have run out of Tanqueray. 
4. The management reserve the right to refuse service at any time. Clearly this rule was written before they'd met a mother to multiple teething toddlers on a gin come-down... no-one is foolish enough to decline alcohol in these circumstances... 
5. No drugs. Calpol is an exception. As it is not a drug, it is parental right.
6. No taking drinks outside of the property. Down it all before you go. ALL OF IT. 
7. No pets in the bar area. She can do far more damage than an Alsatian but whatever. 
8. Please respect our neighbours and leave quietly. Unless you have toddlers in which case attempting to silence them will simply make them angrier and louder and sweatier. 
9. You are responsible for your child's safety whilst using the play equipment. Trust me. She's responsible for herself. If I try to get involved, things get broken, people get hurt, slides get shat on and souls are destroyed...
10. No children after 9pm. Do I look like I can stay up past 9pm...?
11. Respect your surroundings - if you break it, you pay for it. Sorry - did I mention I have a toddler...? If you'd seen what she did to my vagina when she weighed just 7lbs you'd be resetting your expectations... 

#PubToddlerRules
#Gin

Where's WallyBubba - Back by Popular Demand...

That's right.

Where's WallyBubba is back...

She apologises for the break. Her hiding skills have been lacking recently, she's instead been practising her spork ninja skills and how to take on a Labrador whilst still monopolising the toddler swing at the playground...

If you're struggling to find her - try this: drink some gin, close one eye (probably happen anyway with enough Bombay Sapphire), spin round three times, and count to ten...

Either she'll appear instantly or you'll pass out in a dizzy gin-related haze... I call that win/win.

#wheresWallyBubba
#whocareswhiletheresGIN
#gin

Wedding Conduct for Under-2s

Dear fellow toddler-folk,

Recently Mummy and Daddy took me to something called a 'wed-ding'. The first bit was rubbish but later in the day they went  a bit wobbly and stopped paying attention to what I was doing, which was weird... but AWESOME.

Apparently these wedding-things happen quite a lot when it's sunny, so if you happen to be taken to one, here's my top ten tips for making the most of the proceedings:

1. Churches are very quiet. Spice things up with a maraca solo. And a fart. (follow through if possible.) 
2. Sleep is for the weak. Beat yourself daily in preparation. Supplement with Haribo and chocolate Heinz Biscotti.
3. Why walk anywhere when you can run, somersault and fly... The adults actually prefer this. 
4. Invent a new war cry for the occasion. Practice it in whenever everything goes really quiet. You'll be rewarded with chocolate. And an iPhone. I guarantee it.
5. NEVER rest while there's dancing to be done.
6. It's not Pick and Mix, it's SMASH AND GRAB. It's every man for themselves. Come with tactics. And weapons. 
7. The best thing to stick in the chocolate fountain is your own face. Fact. F@*k the strawberries. If possible also wear white. Mummy loves that. 
8. If you see a water feature, lake or open window/door, wait until Mummy and Daddy have started to 'relax' and hurl yourself towards it at speed. Keeps the bastards sober. 
9. Don't let them put you in the buggy. It's a trick. Bite through sections of footmuff until you're removed.
10. Make friends with as many random children and babies as possible. Alone they can take you but together you are strong...

Much love,

WallyBubba xxx

The Lola Days...

From the moment she wakes up,
Her first words are 'Lola, Lola, Lola'.
Unless we want to scrape breakfast from the curtains,
It best be ON while she's chowing her granola.

It's time for mid morning playtime,
But there's only one lady that'll do...
It's all bestest, and worstest, and favouritest over here,
It's exclusively Lola, all other toys are poo-pooed.

How about we head to the park after lunch,
For sliding, and swinging, and fresh air..?
'I'll leave my abode on one condition, Mother,
My best friend Lola-dolly MUST be there.'

Time to watch a bit of telly before dinner;
GOD FORBID you touch the remote.
She can do it herself and get Lola on the box,
Change channels and she'll punch you in the throat.

Almost time to head up to bed,
It's been a long day of Lola varieties.
It's time to accept she loves Miss Summer more than Mummy,
So grab the gin and keep down the crying please...

#Lolaversusgin
#ginwins