Friday, 1 February 2013

Why my toddler is like Chuck Norris...

I wrote this for my husband. To make him shut the f@*k up.

It was this or sew his arsehole into a vagina and make him pass a fisher price teapot in order that he might have some idea what childbirth is like...

But this took less effort...

So...

Here it is...

10 reasons WallyBubba is like Chuck Norris:

  1. She doesn't eat fruit by peeling it. She punches it into a pulp until it releases its juicy goodness.
  2. Every time she smiles a fairy dies. When she laughs - whole species become extinct.
  3. She can bite through steel. And bone. And wombs. 
  4. She could take on an 8ft Pegga Pig and win. Or a bear. Or a unicorn. With one punch.
  5. When she wants something she just takes it. By the face. Or eye. Or whatever induces the most pain.
  6. She eats kittens. Alive. With a plastic Hello Kitty spoon. (you can see the irony)
  7. She hides nun-chucks in her hair when she goes to bed. And a ninja star in Iggle-Piggle's blanket. 
  8. Her toenails are made from adamantium. Any time she wants to, she can just wolverine the shit out her Clarks First Steps. She just 'decides' not to. 
  9. Calpol only makes her stronger. 
  10. She can ruin your vagina just by looking at you. 

#thisiswhyyoushouldn'tpostwhilstdrunk
#myvaginaisalreadyruined
#justgonnahaveanothergin
#ginforvaginas 



18 comments:

  1. OMG you make me piss myself laughing!!! Just read this out to my husband. So funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x glad you liked it! I think my husband quite liked it too ;) lol x thank you for reading and commenting xxx

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thank you ;) I just get drunk and it comes to me... I'm like a gin-genius ;) lol xxx

      Delete
  3. This is just too funny, you have to get those hash tags on twitter!

    #ginforvaginas I mean, what the hell woman!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha... I honestly don't know where it comes from sometimes... xx

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Awww x thank you ;) x it's the booze talking really... lol x

      Delete
  5. Lol!! Love it! Your poor womb....

    http://sparklesandstretchmarks.blogspot.co.uk
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tee hee... it's a lost cause now... we all just ignore it. ;) HA x

      Delete
  6. Hilarious and mental in equal parts.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Comedy genius I may have to take up gin

    Thisdayilove

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha ha ha! Just read this for #ArchiveDay. Agh, when toddlers scrabble up your destroyed stomach with their toenails of steel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! You know it;) cheers for the comment :))) x

      Delete

Why my toddler is like Chuck Norris...

I wrote this for my husband. To make him shut the f@*k up.

It was this or sew his arsehole into a vagina and make him pass a fisher price teapot in order that he might have some idea what childbirth is like...

But this took less effort...

So...

Here it is...

10 reasons WallyBubba is like Chuck Norris:

  1. She doesn't eat fruit by peeling it. She punches it into a pulp until it releases its juicy goodness.
  2. Every time she smiles a fairy dies. When she laughs - whole species become extinct.
  3. She can bite through steel. And bone. And wombs. 
  4. She could take on an 8ft Pegga Pig and win. Or a bear. Or a unicorn. With one punch.
  5. When she wants something she just takes it. By the face. Or eye. Or whatever induces the most pain.
  6. She eats kittens. Alive. With a plastic Hello Kitty spoon. (you can see the irony)
  7. She hides nun-chucks in her hair when she goes to bed. And a ninja star in Iggle-Piggle's blanket. 
  8. Her toenails are made from adamantium. Any time she wants to, she can just wolverine the shit out her Clarks First Steps. She just 'decides' not to. 
  9. Calpol only makes her stronger. 
  10. She can ruin your vagina just by looking at you. 

#thisiswhyyoushouldn'tpostwhilstdrunk
#myvaginaisalreadyruined
#justgonnahaveanothergin
#ginforvaginas 



18 comments:

  1. OMG you make me piss myself laughing!!! Just read this out to my husband. So funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x glad you liked it! I think my husband quite liked it too ;) lol x thank you for reading and commenting xxx

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thank you ;) I just get drunk and it comes to me... I'm like a gin-genius ;) lol xxx

      Delete
  3. This is just too funny, you have to get those hash tags on twitter!

    #ginforvaginas I mean, what the hell woman!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha... I honestly don't know where it comes from sometimes... xx

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Awww x thank you ;) x it's the booze talking really... lol x

      Delete
  5. Lol!! Love it! Your poor womb....

    http://sparklesandstretchmarks.blogspot.co.uk
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tee hee... it's a lost cause now... we all just ignore it. ;) HA x

      Delete
  6. Hilarious and mental in equal parts.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Comedy genius I may have to take up gin

    Thisdayilove

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha ha ha! Just read this for #ArchiveDay. Agh, when toddlers scrabble up your destroyed stomach with their toenails of steel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! You know it;) cheers for the comment :))) x

      Delete