Friday, 8 March 2013

How to lose respect and ignore people this Mother's Day...

I think it's time we cleared a few things up regarding Mother's Day.

As this will be my second Mothering Sunday as an actual mum; I feel it's only fair I impart some wise words and advice to you fellow Mummies, so that you may avoid the 'pitfalls' and enjoy your special day as nature intended it.

  • Firstly - explain to your husband/partner that what your really want for Mother's Day is for him to remove himself and your child/children for the day and leave you alone with a copy of heat magazine, enough chocolate to kill off a tribe of diabetics and a barrel of gin.
  • DEMAND breakfast in bed. And remind him that Bucks Fizz is a perfectly acceptable breakfast drink. (Orange juice optional.) (Champagne exchangeable for gin.) (No food necessary.)
  • Cards are great... but stretch-marks are for f@*king life you bastard... so Moonpig won't be cutting it this time. OK. 
  • DON'T - be sucked in by the M&S 'dine for four' adverts on the telly. Your husband is the one that will 'pop out' on Mother's Day afternoon expecting the shelves to be plentiful with Prosecco and pink chocolate puddings and will return with a potato. REMEMBER - LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN LESS DISAPPOINTMENT.
  • DO - organise a highly inappropriate night out with your fellow mum-friends involving shots, dancing, karaoke, spanx, cleavage and a skirt almost as long as your vagina.
  • Eat a whole pie. Just do it... It'll make you sexy... sorry - sexier.
  • Throughout the day, use Facebook to post pictures of your tiny tot at a few days old; smiling, laughing, making you look like the W-I's gift to motherhood and woman-kind in it's entirety...
  • Then go on twitter and tell it like it really is whilst crying and being beaten in the face with a xylophone shaped like a crocodile - take a shot of wine to the eye for every RT you get. 
  • If you fear for one moment that due to the aforementioned alcohol consumption your husband/partner may try to come near you with his penis, take a picture of your lady-bits on his phone and make it his screensaver. Also send to his iPad and work laptop. That should buy you few weeks before the 'next baby' conversation comes up again and really shit him up on a Monday morning before his conference call... 
  • (NOTE TO SELF: don't let parents use the iPad. (Again)) #cringe 
  • Remember Mother's Day is YOUR day to pretend your fanny is in tact and you didn't pee a little bit on the sofa just then. 
  • And gin. It really IS all about gin.

#antimothersday
#ginday
#iPadcringe 



42 comments:

  1. That has got to be one of the best posts I've ever read! Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahaha! Gosh - thank you :))) glad you like it so much! xxx

      Delete
  2. Love it. You never disappoint!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha x thank you :))) print it out and hand to your husband... LMAO x

      Delete
  3. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You just have to watch out for Mother Nature messing with your mind. I'm on my third (two teens and an 18 month old) so I should know. Now where's that chocolate ...?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As you have three children you can triple everything. Three pies for you :) #deserved x lol x

      Delete
    2. I've got 6 children - there's no way I can eat 6 pies!!

      "REMEMBER - LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN LESS DISAPPOINTMENT"....I choose this as my mantra :D

      Delete
    3. You can do it. Do it for all the mothers out there... lol x It is an AWESOME mantra ;))) x thanks for reading xxx

      Delete
    4. They made me chocolate brownies. I couldn't fit in any pies....I hope I didn't let womankind down too much...

      Thanks for writing ;) x

      Delete
    5. Brownies are even better than pies ;) consider your service done x lol xxx

      Delete
  4. Michelle Inwood8 March 2013 13:15

    One of the best and funniest blogs I've read! So true! Love the bit about Twitter. #femalePeterKay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so nice thank you! I like to think of myself as slightly more attractive the Peter Kay but I will still take it as a compliment ;) tee hee xxx

      Delete
  5. Hee hee - laughing lots at this fab, funny post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Thank you x glad you are giggling! xxx

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. haha x thanks for stopping by :))) x

      Delete
  7. Hilarious! Great post!

    This is my first Mother's Day - I've requested alcohol, and time to paint my nails and dye my hair.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like a plan :)) thanks for reading and commenting ;) xxx

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. Awww x thank you! ;))) *smug face* xx

      Delete
  9. Love it. My fanny may be ruined but at least I get to blame the kids for the dubious stains on the sofa.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Replies
    1. That is my other special power ;) mwah haha x

      Delete
  11. Haha that's funny, great post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)))) x thanks for reading ;) xx

      Delete
  12. Hahahaaaaaaaaa oh my god, that is funny and a bit scary that I was nodding along!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only speak the truth ;) pahahaha xx

      Delete
  13. OMG i did just wee myself a little reading that! A brilliantly funny but scarily close to the truth post..............still chuckling :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tee hee x so glad it made you laugh ;) and pee a little :))) lol xxx

      Delete
  14. Absolutely, next year I'll completely lower my expectations, expect nothing and remove myself from the house entirely ;) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's the only way... Don't forget the #gin either ;) lol x

      Delete
  15. Wally mummy you are just brilliant, superb,off the scale !!!!! I can't stop reading I think I actually love you! Hahahaha hope you win!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha - me too! lol x x thanks so much for reading and leaving such lovely comments ;))) x

      Delete
  16. OMG. I just laughed out loud reading that!!
    And yes - that's so the difference between Facebook and Twitter. I can't believe I never noticed it before!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha - yes once you realise that's it! I don't even know how i'd survive without twitter! lol x

      Delete
  17. Very good. This made me laugh out loud and dare I say it a little bit of wee came out (although I dont have the excuse of childbirth) hope your other half has managed to wipe those mixed kebab pictures off his devices ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well if I can make men wee with laughter too then I know I have surely made it! *fist pump* lol :)))

      Delete

How to lose respect and ignore people this Mother's Day...

I think it's time we cleared a few things up regarding Mother's Day.

As this will be my second Mothering Sunday as an actual mum; I feel it's only fair I impart some wise words and advice to you fellow Mummies, so that you may avoid the 'pitfalls' and enjoy your special day as nature intended it.

  • Firstly - explain to your husband/partner that what your really want for Mother's Day is for him to remove himself and your child/children for the day and leave you alone with a copy of heat magazine, enough chocolate to kill off a tribe of diabetics and a barrel of gin.
  • DEMAND breakfast in bed. And remind him that Bucks Fizz is a perfectly acceptable breakfast drink. (Orange juice optional.) (Champagne exchangeable for gin.) (No food necessary.)
  • Cards are great... but stretch-marks are for f@*king life you bastard... so Moonpig won't be cutting it this time. OK. 
  • DON'T - be sucked in by the M&S 'dine for four' adverts on the telly. Your husband is the one that will 'pop out' on Mother's Day afternoon expecting the shelves to be plentiful with Prosecco and pink chocolate puddings and will return with a potato. REMEMBER - LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN LESS DISAPPOINTMENT.
  • DO - organise a highly inappropriate night out with your fellow mum-friends involving shots, dancing, karaoke, spanx, cleavage and a skirt almost as long as your vagina.
  • Eat a whole pie. Just do it... It'll make you sexy... sorry - sexier.
  • Throughout the day, use Facebook to post pictures of your tiny tot at a few days old; smiling, laughing, making you look like the W-I's gift to motherhood and woman-kind in it's entirety...
  • Then go on twitter and tell it like it really is whilst crying and being beaten in the face with a xylophone shaped like a crocodile - take a shot of wine to the eye for every RT you get. 
  • If you fear for one moment that due to the aforementioned alcohol consumption your husband/partner may try to come near you with his penis, take a picture of your lady-bits on his phone and make it his screensaver. Also send to his iPad and work laptop. That should buy you few weeks before the 'next baby' conversation comes up again and really shit him up on a Monday morning before his conference call... 
  • (NOTE TO SELF: don't let parents use the iPad. (Again)) #cringe 
  • Remember Mother's Day is YOUR day to pretend your fanny is in tact and you didn't pee a little bit on the sofa just then. 
  • And gin. It really IS all about gin.

#antimothersday
#ginday
#iPadcringe 



42 comments:

  1. That has got to be one of the best posts I've ever read! Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahaha! Gosh - thank you :))) glad you like it so much! xxx

      Delete
  2. Love it. You never disappoint!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha x thank you :))) print it out and hand to your husband... LMAO x

      Delete
  3. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You just have to watch out for Mother Nature messing with your mind. I'm on my third (two teens and an 18 month old) so I should know. Now where's that chocolate ...?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As you have three children you can triple everything. Three pies for you :) #deserved x lol x

      Delete
    2. I've got 6 children - there's no way I can eat 6 pies!!

      "REMEMBER - LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN LESS DISAPPOINTMENT"....I choose this as my mantra :D

      Delete
    3. You can do it. Do it for all the mothers out there... lol x It is an AWESOME mantra ;))) x thanks for reading xxx

      Delete
    4. They made me chocolate brownies. I couldn't fit in any pies....I hope I didn't let womankind down too much...

      Thanks for writing ;) x

      Delete
    5. Brownies are even better than pies ;) consider your service done x lol xxx

      Delete
  4. Michelle Inwood8 March 2013 13:15

    One of the best and funniest blogs I've read! So true! Love the bit about Twitter. #femalePeterKay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so nice thank you! I like to think of myself as slightly more attractive the Peter Kay but I will still take it as a compliment ;) tee hee xxx

      Delete
  5. Hee hee - laughing lots at this fab, funny post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Thank you x glad you are giggling! xxx

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. haha x thanks for stopping by :))) x

      Delete
  7. Hilarious! Great post!

    This is my first Mother's Day - I've requested alcohol, and time to paint my nails and dye my hair.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like a plan :)) thanks for reading and commenting ;) xxx

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. Awww x thank you! ;))) *smug face* xx

      Delete
  9. Love it. My fanny may be ruined but at least I get to blame the kids for the dubious stains on the sofa.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Replies
    1. That is my other special power ;) mwah haha x

      Delete
  11. Haha that's funny, great post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)))) x thanks for reading ;) xx

      Delete
  12. Hahahaaaaaaaaa oh my god, that is funny and a bit scary that I was nodding along!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only speak the truth ;) pahahaha xx

      Delete
  13. OMG i did just wee myself a little reading that! A brilliantly funny but scarily close to the truth post..............still chuckling :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tee hee x so glad it made you laugh ;) and pee a little :))) lol xxx

      Delete
  14. Absolutely, next year I'll completely lower my expectations, expect nothing and remove myself from the house entirely ;) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's the only way... Don't forget the #gin either ;) lol x

      Delete
  15. Wally mummy you are just brilliant, superb,off the scale !!!!! I can't stop reading I think I actually love you! Hahahaha hope you win!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha - me too! lol x x thanks so much for reading and leaving such lovely comments ;))) x

      Delete
  16. OMG. I just laughed out loud reading that!!
    And yes - that's so the difference between Facebook and Twitter. I can't believe I never noticed it before!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha - yes once you realise that's it! I don't even know how i'd survive without twitter! lol x

      Delete
  17. Very good. This made me laugh out loud and dare I say it a little bit of wee came out (although I dont have the excuse of childbirth) hope your other half has managed to wipe those mixed kebab pictures off his devices ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well if I can make men wee with laughter too then I know I have surely made it! *fist pump* lol :)))

      Delete