Saturday, 18 May 2013

Why the f@*k am I doing this again?

No.

Not having another baby before you lot start jumping to conclusions...

It's worse than that...

The day of reckoning is upon us...

A day that shall go down in WallyHistory as the day WallyMummy officially lost it.

Yes. We're going on 'holiday' tomorrow. By which I mean I'm subjecting myself to seven days of cruel and unusual punishment and taking WallyGranny and some gin along for the ride. Boom. 

Clearly I'm now into self-harm of the mental variety as I decided to book us on a flight at 7.05am... Awesome. Was too tight to reserve seats... Awesomer. And now that's WallyBubba's stuff is packed I've basically had space for my sunglasses and a bra... So it is going to be THE AWESOMEST.

So before I depart, I thought I'd share some essential holiday prep tips with you incase you decide a week of toddler-torture is up your street as well... *winces*


  • NEVER let a toddler see, handle, or hold the passports. Else you will never see, handle or hold the passports again. 
  • Forget that you are actually attending as well. It's irrelevant. Pack that trunki full of Lola, Peppa and the bastard Night Garden gang and look f@*king happy about it. 
  • You won't need anything you pack. But everything you don't pack will become SH!TTING VITAL once you land. Drink until the sinking feeling disappears. 
  • They don't need beach clothes. Seven swim nappies a day and a hat is all that's required.
  • If the medical bag you've packed couldn't medicate and sustain an African village for a year you clearly haven't brought enough.
  • UV suits are for wimps - if they can't break out of the hotel room, they can't burn can they...
  • They won't need shoes. Shoes make them faster. You'll need a fighting chance...
  • Pack a book - you know, just for a laugh.
  • Portable DVD player and enough episodes of Charlie and Lola to start your own channel are essential. Especially if you plan on enjoying G&T plane time in the toilet cubicle. Let them knock... you'll be in there a while... rocking in the silence...
  • *whispers* They won't check the sippy cups... use them to hide your gin, dignity and despair...
  • Remember - Food bribery is not beneath any of us. Keep the Biscotti coming... No-one wants a repeat of naked-turdy-tantrum-tot in the aisles on this Boeing 747 thank you very much. 
  • The more pathetic you look before take off the more likely the stewardesses are to move the person next to you. Try a few well timed tears of desperation and the occasional wail...
  • During the flight NO 'toy' is off limits. The iPhone, iPad, wallet, keys, credit cards, mummy's hair/skin... she can have it all. If you plan on presenting a fairly convincing 'I can control my child' act in public then previously forbidden technology is the answer. Along with Wotsits. And Biscotti. And gin.
  • Don't drug your child. It's inappropriate and frowned upon. Drug yourself. Far more effective. 

Right. That's enough chat. I'm off for one last cry in the bathroom before it's time to pack the car...

#BonWallyVoyage
#ginupthesippycups
#gin




24 comments:

  1. PMSL.... I have actually laughed all the way through yourpost. I will learn from you to never go on a foreign holiday with my children!

    I really do wish you a nice holiday! X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x thanks! I really will be TRYING to have a nice... sorry what was that word you use... 'Hol-i-day'. :)) x

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thanks! I will drink until I do ;) And that's a promise... and a threat... lol x

      Delete
  3. You absolute nutcase! The idea of braving a flight with my little lunatic is enough to make me cry and crack open a bottle of wine let alone doing it! Good luck and have "fun"! lol! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like to live on the edge. I will be stocking up on the alcohol don't you worry about that! lol xxx

      Delete
  4. Have a good one! Don't forget to let her kick the hell out of the smug child-free person in the plane seat in front of you....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooooh yes - the one plus point of toddler travel. :) I shall revel in it... lol :)))

      Delete
  5. Sounds like you are well prepared! hehe have fun! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! I will be trying ;) in between shots xxx

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. I am frowning at myself... *hangs head in shame* lol xx

      Delete
  7. Rachel Roths18 May 2013 20:57

    Christ, we go in 4 weeks and I have a 3 year old and 1 year old (also armed with nana) starting to wonder why the hell I said "lets go abroad" your blog makes me feel better :O enjoy x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. glad it made u feel better! I think it's made me feel worse... LMAO! xxx hope you have a good time ;) thank god for grannies right! xx

      Delete
  8. Have a great time! We went on holiday last year... Haven't bothered this year ;-) xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should have learnt from last year's 'holidays' but I'm a thrill seeker ;) what can I say... Lol x thank you xxx

      Delete
  9. Good luck with that! As I read this I believe you are most likely already there, wherever there is. There's a reason I never went abroad with my kids. And you've just described it perfectly. X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha - I'm still here... packed and ready to go at 3am tonight :( I'm practising my patient, I'm not stressed honestly voice... ;/ lol x

      Delete
  10. Good luck and have a lovely holiday :) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks! i will try :/ xx #wishfulthinking... lol xx

      Delete
  11. hahaha! i loved this post! Too funny. Makes me kind of glad?! We had to cancel our holiday to Egypt this year?! Hope you had a good time :)

    aimeebeasor.blogspot.com
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Sorry you had to cancel your holiday :( Although on the upside you will not have to deal with any of the above for another year at least! ;O lol xxx

      Delete
  12. Sure , children can be a bit of a hassle, especially on long haul flights. But having traveled extensively with our child all over the world, from the age of 3 months, he's behaved quite well.

    I guess we're the lucky ones. It does get better with age.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Practice makes perfect ;) not sure mine is cut out for travel... she only has one mode which is sprint... and that doesn't go very well with airplane travel! lol ;)

      Delete

Why the f@*k am I doing this again?

No.

Not having another baby before you lot start jumping to conclusions...

It's worse than that...

The day of reckoning is upon us...

A day that shall go down in WallyHistory as the day WallyMummy officially lost it.

Yes. We're going on 'holiday' tomorrow. By which I mean I'm subjecting myself to seven days of cruel and unusual punishment and taking WallyGranny and some gin along for the ride. Boom. 

Clearly I'm now into self-harm of the mental variety as I decided to book us on a flight at 7.05am... Awesome. Was too tight to reserve seats... Awesomer. And now that's WallyBubba's stuff is packed I've basically had space for my sunglasses and a bra... So it is going to be THE AWESOMEST.

So before I depart, I thought I'd share some essential holiday prep tips with you incase you decide a week of toddler-torture is up your street as well... *winces*


  • NEVER let a toddler see, handle, or hold the passports. Else you will never see, handle or hold the passports again. 
  • Forget that you are actually attending as well. It's irrelevant. Pack that trunki full of Lola, Peppa and the bastard Night Garden gang and look f@*king happy about it. 
  • You won't need anything you pack. But everything you don't pack will become SH!TTING VITAL once you land. Drink until the sinking feeling disappears. 
  • They don't need beach clothes. Seven swim nappies a day and a hat is all that's required.
  • If the medical bag you've packed couldn't medicate and sustain an African village for a year you clearly haven't brought enough.
  • UV suits are for wimps - if they can't break out of the hotel room, they can't burn can they...
  • They won't need shoes. Shoes make them faster. You'll need a fighting chance...
  • Pack a book - you know, just for a laugh.
  • Portable DVD player and enough episodes of Charlie and Lola to start your own channel are essential. Especially if you plan on enjoying G&T plane time in the toilet cubicle. Let them knock... you'll be in there a while... rocking in the silence...
  • *whispers* They won't check the sippy cups... use them to hide your gin, dignity and despair...
  • Remember - Food bribery is not beneath any of us. Keep the Biscotti coming... No-one wants a repeat of naked-turdy-tantrum-tot in the aisles on this Boeing 747 thank you very much. 
  • The more pathetic you look before take off the more likely the stewardesses are to move the person next to you. Try a few well timed tears of desperation and the occasional wail...
  • During the flight NO 'toy' is off limits. The iPhone, iPad, wallet, keys, credit cards, mummy's hair/skin... she can have it all. If you plan on presenting a fairly convincing 'I can control my child' act in public then previously forbidden technology is the answer. Along with Wotsits. And Biscotti. And gin.
  • Don't drug your child. It's inappropriate and frowned upon. Drug yourself. Far more effective. 

Right. That's enough chat. I'm off for one last cry in the bathroom before it's time to pack the car...

#BonWallyVoyage
#ginupthesippycups
#gin




24 comments:

  1. PMSL.... I have actually laughed all the way through yourpost. I will learn from you to never go on a foreign holiday with my children!

    I really do wish you a nice holiday! X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x thanks! I really will be TRYING to have a nice... sorry what was that word you use... 'Hol-i-day'. :)) x

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thanks! I will drink until I do ;) And that's a promise... and a threat... lol x

      Delete
  3. You absolute nutcase! The idea of braving a flight with my little lunatic is enough to make me cry and crack open a bottle of wine let alone doing it! Good luck and have "fun"! lol! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like to live on the edge. I will be stocking up on the alcohol don't you worry about that! lol xxx

      Delete
  4. Have a good one! Don't forget to let her kick the hell out of the smug child-free person in the plane seat in front of you....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooooh yes - the one plus point of toddler travel. :) I shall revel in it... lol :)))

      Delete
  5. Sounds like you are well prepared! hehe have fun! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! I will be trying ;) in between shots xxx

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. I am frowning at myself... *hangs head in shame* lol xx

      Delete
  7. Rachel Roths18 May 2013 20:57

    Christ, we go in 4 weeks and I have a 3 year old and 1 year old (also armed with nana) starting to wonder why the hell I said "lets go abroad" your blog makes me feel better :O enjoy x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. glad it made u feel better! I think it's made me feel worse... LMAO! xxx hope you have a good time ;) thank god for grannies right! xx

      Delete
  8. Have a great time! We went on holiday last year... Haven't bothered this year ;-) xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should have learnt from last year's 'holidays' but I'm a thrill seeker ;) what can I say... Lol x thank you xxx

      Delete
  9. Good luck with that! As I read this I believe you are most likely already there, wherever there is. There's a reason I never went abroad with my kids. And you've just described it perfectly. X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha - I'm still here... packed and ready to go at 3am tonight :( I'm practising my patient, I'm not stressed honestly voice... ;/ lol x

      Delete
  10. Good luck and have a lovely holiday :) xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks! i will try :/ xx #wishfulthinking... lol xx

      Delete
  11. hahaha! i loved this post! Too funny. Makes me kind of glad?! We had to cancel our holiday to Egypt this year?! Hope you had a good time :)

    aimeebeasor.blogspot.com
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Sorry you had to cancel your holiday :( Although on the upside you will not have to deal with any of the above for another year at least! ;O lol xxx

      Delete
  12. Sure , children can be a bit of a hassle, especially on long haul flights. But having traveled extensively with our child all over the world, from the age of 3 months, he's behaved quite well.

    I guess we're the lucky ones. It does get better with age.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Practice makes perfect ;) not sure mine is cut out for travel... she only has one mode which is sprint... and that doesn't go very well with airplane travel! lol ;)

      Delete