I've done it again.... I've been sucked in by the shiny shiny lights of the Thomson website... and booked another holiday. And this time it's for... *flinches*... two weeks.
I know. You don't have to say anything. If WallyBubba hadn't hidden all my shoes I would be beating myself to death with them right now I assure you.
So by way of a distraction I've created a little quiz to give you all a giggle and me a severe alcohol dependency and/or nervous breakdown... *downs gin and begins sobbing/rocking in corner*
Let us begin...
When booking your 'holiday' (I think we all know why that term is used lightly... *shudders*), what's the most important thing to you?
a) Good food, good drink, good surroundings... and a baby prison so you might actually get a chance to sample them without repeatedly sighing/crying/being beaten in the face with a trunki...
b) Finding a support wear tankini that makes your tits and fanny look like they've won the battle against toddler-abuse and gravity. *fist pump*
c) Gin. Sunbed. No f@*king kids. #thatisall
You only have 20-kilos luggage allowance each and 10-kilos for the baby... how do you prioritise packing?
a) For the past two weeks you've been vacuum sealing nappies and pouring things into tiny wanky bottles whilst Gok Wan has been capsulising your wardrobe. You've got this shit down.
b) Weigh the gin and wear your bikini. Sorted.
c) Who cares. You plan to 'lose' the toddler in the security queue and piss off to Aruba wearing only your pants and sunglasses.
You're facing a three hour flight with a toddler, how do you plan on making it abroad without causing damage to yourself, your child, and the immediate surrounding passengers?
a) You've got the iPad pre-loaded with a plethora of Peppa, Lola, Pooh and the Piggle... You've also placed an order for collection at Gatwick Boots consisting of enough baby snacks to entertain a tribe of toddlers for a week on baby-wotsits and biscotti alone... You're no rookie.
b) Stickers. It's all about stickers. Stickers on your face, stickers on the baby's face and stickers on the stranger in seat 24B's face whether HE SHITTING WELL LIKES IT OR NOT.
c) See Question 2, answer c.
How do you plan to spend your days on holiday?
a) You're asking as if there's some kind of 'choice'... you do what the toddler wants... any attempts to rebel or question their actions could endanger your lives and the lives of all those within turd-firing range.
b) Sighing... Crying... Being beaten in the face with a trunki...
What piece of advice would you give to other parents taking their toddlers on foreign holidays?
a) Never call it a 'holiday' you're just setting yourself up for disappointment... FORGET YOUR HOPES, DREAMS AND DESIRES - YOU EXIST PURELY TO SERVICE THEIR NEEDS. Keep the ice cream flowing and remain within a 15-metre radius of the toddler-pool and you may survive the week...
b) No matter how painful the experience, be sure to upload photos to Facebook the day you get back making it look like you all had a f@*king ball. In time the pain, despair and ticks will fade and eventually you'll begin to think you actually enjoyed it...
c) SEE QUESTION 2, ANSWER c. Don't ask me again.
Mostly a)'s - You're a total pro. A seasoned toddler traveller. Probably the sort of parent who manages to read a 'mag-a-zine' on holiday... or even... a BOOK. A real adult book... one that doesn't start with 'I have this little sister Lola', or end with Makka Pakka setting fire to the Tombliboos shitting trousers again. We are in awe and bow down to you oh amazing kindle-carrying voodoo mother.
Mostly b)'s - Standard stuff. You've felt the pain, you've drunk the gin, you've taken a trunki to the cheek-bone. Reward yourself with further gin and a holiday... oh, hang-on...
Mostly c)'s - You should probably stay UK-bound... The Caribbean's not ready for your pants/sunglasses combo... but Butlins will lap it up...