Sunday, 30 June 2013

The Big Fat Toddler Holiday Quiz

Ok.

Confession time.

I've done it again.... I've been sucked in by the shiny shiny lights of the Thomson website... and booked another holiday. And this time it's for... *flinches*... two weeks.

I know. You don't have to say anything. If WallyBubba hadn't hidden all my shoes I would be beating myself to death with them right now I assure you.

So by way of a distraction I've created a little quiz to give you all a giggle and me a severe alcohol dependency and/or nervous breakdown... *downs gin and begins sobbing/rocking in corner*

Let us begin...



Question 1:

When booking your 'holiday' (I think we all know why that term is used lightly... *shudders*), what's the most important thing to you?

a)  Good food, good drink, good surroundings... and a baby prison so you might actually get a chance to sample them without repeatedly sighing/crying/being beaten in the face with a trunki...  
b)  Finding a support wear tankini that makes your tits and fanny look like they've won the battle against toddler-abuse and gravity.  *fist pump*
c)  Gin. Sunbed. No f@*king kids. #thatisall 



Question 2:

You only have 20-kilos luggage allowance each and 10-kilos for the baby... how do you prioritise packing?

a)  For the past two weeks you've been vacuum sealing nappies and pouring things into tiny wanky bottles whilst Gok Wan has been capsulising your wardrobe. You've got this shit down.
b)  Weigh the gin and wear your bikini. Sorted.
c)  Who cares. You plan to 'lose' the toddler in the security queue and piss off to Aruba wearing only your pants and sunglasses.


Question 3:

You're facing a three hour flight with a toddler, how do you plan on making it abroad without causing damage to yourself, your child, and the immediate surrounding passengers?

a) You've got the iPad pre-loaded with a plethora of Peppa, Lola, Pooh and the Piggle... You've also placed an order for collection at Gatwick Boots consisting of enough baby snacks to entertain a tribe of toddlers for a week on baby-wotsits and biscotti alone... You're no rookie.
b) Stickers. It's all about stickers. Stickers on your face, stickers on the baby's face and stickers on the stranger in seat 24B's face whether HE SHITTING WELL LIKES IT OR NOT.
c) See Question 2, answer c.


Question 4:

How do you plan to spend your days on holiday?

a)  You're asking as if there's some kind of 'choice'... you do what the toddler wants... any attempts to rebel or question their actions could endanger your lives and the lives of all those within turd-firing range.
b)  Sighing... Crying... Being beaten in the face with a trunki...
c)  Alone.


Question 5:

What piece of advice would you give to other parents taking their toddlers on foreign holidays?

a)  Never call it a 'holiday' you're just setting yourself up for disappointment... FORGET YOUR HOPES, DREAMS AND DESIRES - YOU EXIST PURELY TO SERVICE THEIR NEEDS. Keep the ice cream flowing and remain within a 15-metre radius of the toddler-pool and you may survive the week...
b)  No matter how painful the experience, be sure to upload photos to Facebook the day you get back making it look like you all had a f@*king ball. In time the pain, despair and ticks will fade and eventually you'll begin to think you actually enjoyed it...
c)  SEE QUESTION 2, ANSWER c. Don't ask me again.


ANSWERS:

Mostly a)'s - You're a total pro. A seasoned toddler traveller. Probably the sort of parent who manages to read a 'mag-a-zine' on holiday... or even... a BOOK. A real adult book... one that doesn't start with 'I have this little sister Lola', or end with Makka Pakka setting fire to the Tombliboos shitting trousers again. We are in awe and bow down to you oh amazing kindle-carrying voodoo mother.

Mostly b)'s - Standard stuff. You've felt the pain, you've drunk the gin, you've taken a trunki to the cheek-bone. Reward yourself with further gin and a holiday... oh, hang-on...

Mostly c)'s - You should probably stay UK-bound... The Caribbean's not ready for your pants/sunglasses combo... but Butlins will lap it up...

#Andalwaysginupthesippycups
#seeyouinAruba



16 comments:

  1. Brilliant, you've excelled yourself with this one! Why do you think we've been to Padstow every year since 2001? Oh, that would have been the year my son was born!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) *heads off and begins searching for holidays in cornwall* xxx thanks for the comment! Wish me luck...

      Delete
  2. Reading this makes me feel so much better about not going abroad with my lot, and definitely not attempting to take them on a plane! :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol ;) glad to have reassured you... *downs gin and begins to be consumed with dread..* ha! xx

      Delete
  3. This has had me both laughing and also dreading our first foreign holiday next year....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) if u can keep laughing u may live through it... Pahahahaha xxx

      Delete
  4. Awesome post, Both me and OH laughed loads. We are about to undertake our first "holiday" since prior to being pregnant, with a 21m old toddler and are facing 2x 7 hours flights tonight with a stop-over in Dubai - hope they have got breastfeeding rooms! We have Ipad full of Makka Pakka but we'll ditch the stones at home, snacks for a week yes indeed. And have been telling little one planes are for sleeping since a week or two! Even packed pyjama's so she gets the point as we put them on on the plane. Fingers crossed x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHA -you sound well prepared... 7 hours though... wow. I hope they give you a medal at the end of that! lol xx good luck x

      Delete
    2. no no 2x7 hours - stop over in Dubai! :S OH came home with surprise holiday .... probably for the better I would think no travel is suitable with toddler

      Delete
    3. oh lord... you better ring ahead to ensure the stewardess have G&T's awaiting your arrival to the planes... then I'd beat your husband in the face with the trunki. Just so he knows this isn't your idea of a nice surprise... lol x

      Delete
  5. Brilliant. And just reaffirms why I will NOT be going abroad until the boys are older. A five hour drive to Pembrokeshire nearly finished me off this summer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon that'd finish me off too... Lol x but plane trumps car every time. It's like your own personal hell with an audience... #fact lol! Xxx

      Delete
  6. LOL. I daren't even take the child on holiday. She's bad enough in the car to ASDA never mind a shitting plane.

    PS: Thanks for booking with Thomson ;) keeping me in a job innit haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome ;) wink wink nudge nudge... Lol x yes. Transport with toddlers should be barred... ALL transport. Tee hee xx

      Delete

The Big Fat Toddler Holiday Quiz

Ok.

Confession time.

I've done it again.... I've been sucked in by the shiny shiny lights of the Thomson website... and booked another holiday. And this time it's for... *flinches*... two weeks.

I know. You don't have to say anything. If WallyBubba hadn't hidden all my shoes I would be beating myself to death with them right now I assure you.

So by way of a distraction I've created a little quiz to give you all a giggle and me a severe alcohol dependency and/or nervous breakdown... *downs gin and begins sobbing/rocking in corner*

Let us begin...



Question 1:

When booking your 'holiday' (I think we all know why that term is used lightly... *shudders*), what's the most important thing to you?

a)  Good food, good drink, good surroundings... and a baby prison so you might actually get a chance to sample them without repeatedly sighing/crying/being beaten in the face with a trunki...  
b)  Finding a support wear tankini that makes your tits and fanny look like they've won the battle against toddler-abuse and gravity.  *fist pump*
c)  Gin. Sunbed. No f@*king kids. #thatisall 



Question 2:

You only have 20-kilos luggage allowance each and 10-kilos for the baby... how do you prioritise packing?

a)  For the past two weeks you've been vacuum sealing nappies and pouring things into tiny wanky bottles whilst Gok Wan has been capsulising your wardrobe. You've got this shit down.
b)  Weigh the gin and wear your bikini. Sorted.
c)  Who cares. You plan to 'lose' the toddler in the security queue and piss off to Aruba wearing only your pants and sunglasses.


Question 3:

You're facing a three hour flight with a toddler, how do you plan on making it abroad without causing damage to yourself, your child, and the immediate surrounding passengers?

a) You've got the iPad pre-loaded with a plethora of Peppa, Lola, Pooh and the Piggle... You've also placed an order for collection at Gatwick Boots consisting of enough baby snacks to entertain a tribe of toddlers for a week on baby-wotsits and biscotti alone... You're no rookie.
b) Stickers. It's all about stickers. Stickers on your face, stickers on the baby's face and stickers on the stranger in seat 24B's face whether HE SHITTING WELL LIKES IT OR NOT.
c) See Question 2, answer c.


Question 4:

How do you plan to spend your days on holiday?

a)  You're asking as if there's some kind of 'choice'... you do what the toddler wants... any attempts to rebel or question their actions could endanger your lives and the lives of all those within turd-firing range.
b)  Sighing... Crying... Being beaten in the face with a trunki...
c)  Alone.


Question 5:

What piece of advice would you give to other parents taking their toddlers on foreign holidays?

a)  Never call it a 'holiday' you're just setting yourself up for disappointment... FORGET YOUR HOPES, DREAMS AND DESIRES - YOU EXIST PURELY TO SERVICE THEIR NEEDS. Keep the ice cream flowing and remain within a 15-metre radius of the toddler-pool and you may survive the week...
b)  No matter how painful the experience, be sure to upload photos to Facebook the day you get back making it look like you all had a f@*king ball. In time the pain, despair and ticks will fade and eventually you'll begin to think you actually enjoyed it...
c)  SEE QUESTION 2, ANSWER c. Don't ask me again.


ANSWERS:

Mostly a)'s - You're a total pro. A seasoned toddler traveller. Probably the sort of parent who manages to read a 'mag-a-zine' on holiday... or even... a BOOK. A real adult book... one that doesn't start with 'I have this little sister Lola', or end with Makka Pakka setting fire to the Tombliboos shitting trousers again. We are in awe and bow down to you oh amazing kindle-carrying voodoo mother.

Mostly b)'s - Standard stuff. You've felt the pain, you've drunk the gin, you've taken a trunki to the cheek-bone. Reward yourself with further gin and a holiday... oh, hang-on...

Mostly c)'s - You should probably stay UK-bound... The Caribbean's not ready for your pants/sunglasses combo... but Butlins will lap it up...

#Andalwaysginupthesippycups
#seeyouinAruba



16 comments:

  1. Brilliant, you've excelled yourself with this one! Why do you think we've been to Padstow every year since 2001? Oh, that would have been the year my son was born!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) *heads off and begins searching for holidays in cornwall* xxx thanks for the comment! Wish me luck...

      Delete
  2. Reading this makes me feel so much better about not going abroad with my lot, and definitely not attempting to take them on a plane! :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol ;) glad to have reassured you... *downs gin and begins to be consumed with dread..* ha! xx

      Delete
  3. This has had me both laughing and also dreading our first foreign holiday next year....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol ;) if u can keep laughing u may live through it... Pahahahaha xxx

      Delete
  4. Awesome post, Both me and OH laughed loads. We are about to undertake our first "holiday" since prior to being pregnant, with a 21m old toddler and are facing 2x 7 hours flights tonight with a stop-over in Dubai - hope they have got breastfeeding rooms! We have Ipad full of Makka Pakka but we'll ditch the stones at home, snacks for a week yes indeed. And have been telling little one planes are for sleeping since a week or two! Even packed pyjama's so she gets the point as we put them on on the plane. Fingers crossed x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHA -you sound well prepared... 7 hours though... wow. I hope they give you a medal at the end of that! lol xx good luck x

      Delete
    2. no no 2x7 hours - stop over in Dubai! :S OH came home with surprise holiday .... probably for the better I would think no travel is suitable with toddler

      Delete
    3. oh lord... you better ring ahead to ensure the stewardess have G&T's awaiting your arrival to the planes... then I'd beat your husband in the face with the trunki. Just so he knows this isn't your idea of a nice surprise... lol x

      Delete
  5. Brilliant. And just reaffirms why I will NOT be going abroad until the boys are older. A five hour drive to Pembrokeshire nearly finished me off this summer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon that'd finish me off too... Lol x but plane trumps car every time. It's like your own personal hell with an audience... #fact lol! Xxx

      Delete
  6. LOL. I daren't even take the child on holiday. She's bad enough in the car to ASDA never mind a shitting plane.

    PS: Thanks for booking with Thomson ;) keeping me in a job innit haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome ;) wink wink nudge nudge... Lol x yes. Transport with toddlers should be barred... ALL transport. Tee hee xx

      Delete