- CBeebies and sunglasses are your biggest asset... Use them... Hide the tears... The Octonauts theme tune is your chance to micro-nap while the toddler dances...
- No sudden movements; crawling is your only form of transport for the day. Although try not to let the toddler ride you... It's undignified. You're better than that...
- If the toddler won't stop squealing let them ride you.
- Remain horizontal to limit dribbling.
- Don't let them smell your fear... They'll fart near you. The kind of farts you can chew on...
- Under no circumstances attempt to change any nappy above a level 3, AKA a stink nugget.
- Keep the larger stacking cups within reaching distance incase the chunder monkey pays a visit...
- Today, and today only, you will be having takeaway pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And yes, they can eat theirs in Colin the Rocking Snail. Whilst licking the Sky remote and using your iPhone to call China.
- In between meals simply let them snack on the sofa raisins and rice cake shards beneath the coffee table... it'll build up their immune systems.
- Alkaseltzer up the sippy cups.