It was your birthday recently. And NO. I didn't forget, I've just been really busy and shit. Mummy brought me a new Peppa Pig sticker book last week and I have been FLAT OUT with it. Seriously, I'm stickering at like a three-year-old level here...
Anyway. I know this is a bit late, (not that being 'late' seems to bother you when you need a 'lie-in' on a Sunday does it...) but, belated Happy Birthday my skin *chest bump* (optional - I know you're WELL old now). Here's my tips for you for the coming year:
- Mummy is mine. Stop kissing her. Any hug attempts in my presence will be sabotaged. Probably with Lego and/or at least one Tombliboo as a weapon.
- I'd like a baby brother or sister please. I've heard there's a backlog and orders can take a minimum of 9 months so please crack on. You guys are boring me a bit. Need someone more on my level you know...
- I don't wear socks now. Just so you're aware.
- You remember that week you grew a beard? Well. If you do that again I'll f@*king cut you.
- Please don't be naive enough to think you can eat chocolate without me... I've found all your dirty little confectionary hiding places; the car glove box, your desk drawer, behind the beer in the 'secret fridge' in the utility room... I can smell Lion bar on your breath when you get back from rugby... You disgust me...
- If you're going to continue with this so called 'work' thing you're always banging on about I'm gonna need cake. A lot of cake. And a pony. And a whisk (I just like them).
- I'm not joking about the pony. (Or the whisk)
- Please don't EVER leave the house without a banana again... I really hate showing you up in front of all the other Saturday-Morning-Playground-Daddies... it's embarrassing for us ALL.
- I don't care what rugby match is on telly when I SAY IT'S BARBIE PRINCESS TEA PARTY TIME I BASTARD MEAN IT.
- You were mistaken. Your iPad really is mine... No more Candy Crush for you. Bitch.
Until next year, Father.