Wednesday, 30 April 2014

The Tantrum Cross Code (The five levels of toddler rage every parent should know about)

Level 1 - Standard Tantrum

Notes: Generally occurs at home. Manageable without skin loss. (Yours)

Warnings Signs/Traits: Protruding bottom lip, mild stroppiness and an inability to make full eye contact or respond to own name. Occasional throwing of nearby objects and mild violence towards nearby animals/woodland creatures.

General Causes: Saying no to a 75th episode of Peppa Pig, suggesting something other than fish fingers for dinner, pointing out that a spoon really is more effective for eating yoghurt than a palm/face combo or recommending that due to the torrential rain perhaps today is not the day for naked paddling pool fun.

Treatment: Usually appeasable with biscuits, grapes and a 75th episode of Peppa Pig.


Level 2 - The Body Flop

Notes: Will nearly always occur in public, in the vicinity of tutting old people and/or judgemental mothers. Who wear lipgloss. (Bitches)

Warning Signs/Traits: Sudden screaming followed by spurts of laugh-crying (If you have a toddler you know what this is...). Refusal to get into the car/shop/ trolley/house - in fact refusal to be compliant in any way as long as it massively inconveniences you and causes more tuts from those lipgloss slags.

General Causes: You looked at them wrong, you didn't use your nice voice, you forgot to pack an apple despite very specific requests, you made them wear a hat and three days ago you realised you'd run out of yoghurts and provided a 'mashed up banana' in its place. This is simply not acceptable.

Treatment: You're gonna need some serious treats, a Peppa Pig DVD, the stamina for at least a 2-hour angry-princess-tea-party and you will be required to set fire to all hats. ALL OF THEM. (You'll need gin for this.)


Level 3 - The Angry Crab


Notes: Also known as the 'Contortionist's Strop'. 

Warning Signs/Traits: This is what happens when you attempt to bring a toddler out of a Body-Flop using a lifting or bending motion. No matter how much you try to manipulate them into a lift-able state they WILL resist... like soaped-up slippery ninja midgets sent to break your will power. And make you look like a wanker.

General Causes: They've been planning this for days... 

Treatment: This is a battle of wills. Never break first. You must stay strong, silent and in control.... Safe in the knowledge that tomorrow you are upping their nursery hours.   


Level 4 - The Toddler Tornado

Notes: Hide all pets and breakable objects. Do not allow them near other children of similar size or smaller.

Warning Signs/Traits: Level 4s are fairly rare but if they do happen it will be in a confined environment for maximum effect. Such an an aeroplane, a restaurant, the queue at the post office.

General Causes: You took them on an aeroplane. Or to a restaurant. Or to the post office. How could you be so misguided as to think they would enjoy a holiday, or eating, or receiving gifts via post... You are so f@*king selfish. 

Treatment: There's nothing for it but CRiP.... Capture, Restraint and iPad. Use every trick in your change bag. There's no such thing as too many crisps. Or too big an ice cream. 


Level 5 - The Silent Rage

Notes: Gin.

Warning Signs/Traits: There are none. That's what's so terrifying... They don't react... they remain silent... biding their time... harvesting your weaknesses... waiting for their moment to strike.... You should be very afraid. 

General Causes: F@*k knows... But you're on your own now...

Treatment: Sleep with one eye open and a knife under your pillow... thoroughly expect to woken up by your toddler holding said knife in one hand and one of your freshly severed organs in the other...

Good luck.


#gin
#ninjatoddlerorganharvesting
#CRiP


I've been nominated for a BiB (Brilliance in Blogging) Award in the Laugh Category so please vote for me! Go on. It's good gin karma... (yes, that's a thing)...

Just click the link below, and tick Just a Normal Mummy in Category 13 - Laugh:

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NOMINATE ME BiB 2014 LAUGH

46 comments:

  1. Hah, this is spookily accurate! At just 18mths my son has yet to hit level 5, but I do fear the day.... Argh!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will come... mark my words... it will come... lol x

      Delete
  2. I love this!! And Yes! Mother's that have to time to think of lip gloss are bitches! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Level 3!! What is that all about?? Where do their bones go??? How do they get so heavy???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They have their bones. That's part of their power... lol xxx

      Delete
  4. I don't think I have ever had to deal with number yet thank god!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's coming... Be afraid. Be very afraid... Lol xxx

      Delete
  5. Oh god. My ds is only 15 months. I'm dreading this happening. Must buy more wine in preparation.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If join some kind of wine subscription service if I were you... :) ha! Xx

      Delete
  6. My son turns two next week and we have been on daily levels 3 and 4 every day for a month. I fear that level five is around the corner. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I live in fear that there is a surprise level 6 waiting for me once I've run out of organs... :/ lol xxx

      Delete
  7. Oh so true! The body flop is my ultimate nightmare!! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha xxx it's happens to us all... Lol xxx

      Delete
  8. Levels 2, 3, and 4 are horribly familiar. Can only be cured with cake....

    ReplyDelete
  9. So true, on every level. Think I experiences one of each yesterday. Got to admire a public hummilation when it's executed so skillfully. Wish I'd had your guide and the presense of mind to apply CRiP. Will be printing this out for future emergencies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, I should make a pamphlet version and send to the NCT or something! Lol xx

      Delete
  10. Ah yes. I have my personal fave hold for the angry crab (we still get at 7yrs). Arm between one leg and the other around upper body. Hold child lying sideways like a huge baby and clasp your hands and walk fast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. louisaaarrr2 May 2014 14:12

      I do this with my 1yr old. Very effective. Plus he is small enough still to do it with one hand whilst preparing a bedtime bottle/opening a bottle of wine with the other....

      Delete
  11. Utterly brilliant - I laughed at all those coz I am now out the other side and even more grateful for that since reading this. Good luck - only a few more years! *passes gin*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahaha x thanks lovely! *accepts gin and accidentally downs the lot...* lol x

      Delete
  12. Brilliant! You should write a guide book for parents to be (that should tackle the overpopulation prob) :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's very funny! But I hope you have some other tips than just crisps and ipad! well use those too with my 2 years old ;-) all in moderation like the gin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ;) after ipads and gin I have nothing... lol xx

      Delete
  14. Tickling is effective in nearly all cases. No matter who tuts or stares, just stand with your hands on your hips looking down sympathetically and when it's done say 'feel better now? Come on then'
    If you're in a confined space in public, it's a swift pick up, out the door (or in the bog on a plane) and a simple sit down and cuddle til it's done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, a good tickle works wonders doesn't it :))) x

      Delete
  15. Why is it that tantrum levels 2 - 5 ALWAYS happen in public? And, why do I never have any gin handy?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Time to gin up the sippy cup misses! lol x

      Delete
  16. Ah I see why a change bag has all those extra pockets you can't actually get a baby bottle in to .... it's for the mums hip flask! I need to get a hip flask...

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hehe nearly choked I was laughing so much, brilliant post! We're mostly the angry crab here although they all apply - usually in public! The new one is coming downstairs multiple times when she should be sleeping, not sleeping till 10pm then refusing to wake up. It's been a week although tonight she did doze off at 8pm *phew*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am keeping her cot bars on until she's 5. Fact. lol xxx

      Delete
  18. Love this! Great way to describe the levels of terrors! :) x

    ReplyDelete
  19. Where does the plank fit in? Usually applied when trying to get them into a car seat or buggy, anywhere which requires toddler folding!
    And, now many years on, if you think these are bad let me introduce you to.....the pre-teen! Bwa ha ha haaaaaaa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x the angry crab is the advanced version of this move! :))) x

      Delete
  20. Ha ha! My 3 year old practices ALL of these. He is especially good at stage 5. little psycho...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I too own a little psycho... #sleepingwithoneeyeopen... lol xx

      Delete
  21. Ha ha ha! Having boys, I will never experience the angry-princess tea party, thank GOD! I get angry bouncing as I hold the trampoline zip shut for as long as it takes. While necking wine from fizzy water bottle so the neighbours can't confirm their suspicions. Loving your work. If you go through and I don't I won't mind one bit. Will still love you tomorrow. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can't neck enough wine I always say... ;) xx

      Delete
  22. I'm 28 and pregnant with my first. My mum still finds greet hilarity in telling a story of me throwing a strop in the supermarket and she just left me there in the aisle to calm down. She carried on down the aisle and just waited out of my eye line even though she could still see me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You see this in supermarkets daily ;) lol xx

      Delete
  23. You and your toddler actually keep me sane! and a little gin along the way!.......legend you are :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #ginlegend :))) lol! thank you xxx

      Delete

The Tantrum Cross Code (The five levels of toddler rage every parent should know about)

Level 1 - Standard Tantrum

Notes: Generally occurs at home. Manageable without skin loss. (Yours)

Warnings Signs/Traits: Protruding bottom lip, mild stroppiness and an inability to make full eye contact or respond to own name. Occasional throwing of nearby objects and mild violence towards nearby animals/woodland creatures.

General Causes: Saying no to a 75th episode of Peppa Pig, suggesting something other than fish fingers for dinner, pointing out that a spoon really is more effective for eating yoghurt than a palm/face combo or recommending that due to the torrential rain perhaps today is not the day for naked paddling pool fun.

Treatment: Usually appeasable with biscuits, grapes and a 75th episode of Peppa Pig.


Level 2 - The Body Flop

Notes: Will nearly always occur in public, in the vicinity of tutting old people and/or judgemental mothers. Who wear lipgloss. (Bitches)

Warning Signs/Traits: Sudden screaming followed by spurts of laugh-crying (If you have a toddler you know what this is...). Refusal to get into the car/shop/ trolley/house - in fact refusal to be compliant in any way as long as it massively inconveniences you and causes more tuts from those lipgloss slags.

General Causes: You looked at them wrong, you didn't use your nice voice, you forgot to pack an apple despite very specific requests, you made them wear a hat and three days ago you realised you'd run out of yoghurts and provided a 'mashed up banana' in its place. This is simply not acceptable.

Treatment: You're gonna need some serious treats, a Peppa Pig DVD, the stamina for at least a 2-hour angry-princess-tea-party and you will be required to set fire to all hats. ALL OF THEM. (You'll need gin for this.)


Level 3 - The Angry Crab


Notes: Also known as the 'Contortionist's Strop'. 

Warning Signs/Traits: This is what happens when you attempt to bring a toddler out of a Body-Flop using a lifting or bending motion. No matter how much you try to manipulate them into a lift-able state they WILL resist... like soaped-up slippery ninja midgets sent to break your will power. And make you look like a wanker.

General Causes: They've been planning this for days... 

Treatment: This is a battle of wills. Never break first. You must stay strong, silent and in control.... Safe in the knowledge that tomorrow you are upping their nursery hours.   


Level 4 - The Toddler Tornado

Notes: Hide all pets and breakable objects. Do not allow them near other children of similar size or smaller.

Warning Signs/Traits: Level 4s are fairly rare but if they do happen it will be in a confined environment for maximum effect. Such an an aeroplane, a restaurant, the queue at the post office.

General Causes: You took them on an aeroplane. Or to a restaurant. Or to the post office. How could you be so misguided as to think they would enjoy a holiday, or eating, or receiving gifts via post... You are so f@*king selfish. 

Treatment: There's nothing for it but CRiP.... Capture, Restraint and iPad. Use every trick in your change bag. There's no such thing as too many crisps. Or too big an ice cream. 


Level 5 - The Silent Rage

Notes: Gin.

Warning Signs/Traits: There are none. That's what's so terrifying... They don't react... they remain silent... biding their time... harvesting your weaknesses... waiting for their moment to strike.... You should be very afraid. 

General Causes: F@*k knows... But you're on your own now...

Treatment: Sleep with one eye open and a knife under your pillow... thoroughly expect to woken up by your toddler holding said knife in one hand and one of your freshly severed organs in the other...

Good luck.


#gin
#ninjatoddlerorganharvesting
#CRiP


I've been nominated for a BiB (Brilliance in Blogging) Award in the Laugh Category so please vote for me! Go on. It's good gin karma... (yes, that's a thing)...

Just click the link below, and tick Just a Normal Mummy in Category 13 - Laugh:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BiBs2014Shortlist

NOMINATE ME BiB 2014 LAUGH

46 comments:

  1. Hah, this is spookily accurate! At just 18mths my son has yet to hit level 5, but I do fear the day.... Argh!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will come... mark my words... it will come... lol x

      Delete
  2. I love this!! And Yes! Mother's that have to time to think of lip gloss are bitches! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Level 3!! What is that all about?? Where do their bones go??? How do they get so heavy???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They have their bones. That's part of their power... lol xxx

      Delete
  4. I don't think I have ever had to deal with number yet thank god!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's coming... Be afraid. Be very afraid... Lol xxx

      Delete
  5. Oh god. My ds is only 15 months. I'm dreading this happening. Must buy more wine in preparation.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If join some kind of wine subscription service if I were you... :) ha! Xx

      Delete
  6. My son turns two next week and we have been on daily levels 3 and 4 every day for a month. I fear that level five is around the corner. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I live in fear that there is a surprise level 6 waiting for me once I've run out of organs... :/ lol xxx

      Delete
  7. Oh so true! The body flop is my ultimate nightmare!! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha xxx it's happens to us all... Lol xxx

      Delete
  8. Levels 2, 3, and 4 are horribly familiar. Can only be cured with cake....

    ReplyDelete
  9. So true, on every level. Think I experiences one of each yesterday. Got to admire a public hummilation when it's executed so skillfully. Wish I'd had your guide and the presense of mind to apply CRiP. Will be printing this out for future emergencies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, I should make a pamphlet version and send to the NCT or something! Lol xx

      Delete
  10. Ah yes. I have my personal fave hold for the angry crab (we still get at 7yrs). Arm between one leg and the other around upper body. Hold child lying sideways like a huge baby and clasp your hands and walk fast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. louisaaarrr2 May 2014 14:12

      I do this with my 1yr old. Very effective. Plus he is small enough still to do it with one hand whilst preparing a bedtime bottle/opening a bottle of wine with the other....

      Delete
  11. Utterly brilliant - I laughed at all those coz I am now out the other side and even more grateful for that since reading this. Good luck - only a few more years! *passes gin*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pahaha x thanks lovely! *accepts gin and accidentally downs the lot...* lol x

      Delete
  12. Brilliant! You should write a guide book for parents to be (that should tackle the overpopulation prob) :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's very funny! But I hope you have some other tips than just crisps and ipad! well use those too with my 2 years old ;-) all in moderation like the gin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ;) after ipads and gin I have nothing... lol xx

      Delete
  14. Tickling is effective in nearly all cases. No matter who tuts or stares, just stand with your hands on your hips looking down sympathetically and when it's done say 'feel better now? Come on then'
    If you're in a confined space in public, it's a swift pick up, out the door (or in the bog on a plane) and a simple sit down and cuddle til it's done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, a good tickle works wonders doesn't it :))) x

      Delete
  15. Why is it that tantrum levels 2 - 5 ALWAYS happen in public? And, why do I never have any gin handy?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Time to gin up the sippy cup misses! lol x

      Delete
  16. Ah I see why a change bag has all those extra pockets you can't actually get a baby bottle in to .... it's for the mums hip flask! I need to get a hip flask...

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hehe nearly choked I was laughing so much, brilliant post! We're mostly the angry crab here although they all apply - usually in public! The new one is coming downstairs multiple times when she should be sleeping, not sleeping till 10pm then refusing to wake up. It's been a week although tonight she did doze off at 8pm *phew*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am keeping her cot bars on until she's 5. Fact. lol xxx

      Delete
  18. Love this! Great way to describe the levels of terrors! :) x

    ReplyDelete
  19. Where does the plank fit in? Usually applied when trying to get them into a car seat or buggy, anywhere which requires toddler folding!
    And, now many years on, if you think these are bad let me introduce you to.....the pre-teen! Bwa ha ha haaaaaaa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol x the angry crab is the advanced version of this move! :))) x

      Delete
  20. Ha ha! My 3 year old practices ALL of these. He is especially good at stage 5. little psycho...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I too own a little psycho... #sleepingwithoneeyeopen... lol xx

      Delete
  21. Ha ha ha! Having boys, I will never experience the angry-princess tea party, thank GOD! I get angry bouncing as I hold the trampoline zip shut for as long as it takes. While necking wine from fizzy water bottle so the neighbours can't confirm their suspicions. Loving your work. If you go through and I don't I won't mind one bit. Will still love you tomorrow. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can't neck enough wine I always say... ;) xx

      Delete
  22. I'm 28 and pregnant with my first. My mum still finds greet hilarity in telling a story of me throwing a strop in the supermarket and she just left me there in the aisle to calm down. She carried on down the aisle and just waited out of my eye line even though she could still see me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You see this in supermarkets daily ;) lol xx

      Delete
  23. You and your toddler actually keep me sane! and a little gin along the way!.......legend you are :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #ginlegend :))) lol! thank you xxx

      Delete