- If she can't see her vagina, neither can you. Stay away baby-making-penis-of-womb-doom.
- Don't congratulate your balls. It's not funny.
- No. You can't touch her breasts. Because a thousand tiny razors are slicing through her nipples… Do it again, and you will get cut.
- When you're asked to rub her back, you better channel Hans the Swedish God of Hands and go to shitting town on those ligaments.
- There can never be too much cake. Even when she says she doesn't want cake, you should ensure you have emergency cake. And carry hobnobs about your person whilst out and about.
- Falling asleep before her is basically divorce grounds.
- Snoring will result in you being stabbed.
- Your area of the sofa has been dramatically diminished. To the floor.
- When she says yes. She means no. But if you then accept her no, she will be upset that you no longer see her as a yes person. Which is the same as calling her fat. You bastard. Why are you struggling to grasp this?!?
- Failing that. Any time you can't think what to say; run her a bath. With candles. And bubbles. And magic fanny-mending fairies.
- Last resort. Punch yourself in the face. It'll make her feel better.
- When you signed the marriage certificate, you signed away your right to even look like you've noticed her pregnancy farts.
- The above also applies to leg shaving… or lack of…
- You only get the end bits of the garlic french-stick now. Just so you know.
- You should be sympathy-sober, sympathy-fat and sympathy-doing-the-f@*king-housework from now on.
- Don't tell her she's glowing. Buy her a KFC Bargain Bucket for one and watch as she cries tears of joy into the secret recipe coating.
- Whatever you do…if you value your skin… and penis… don't mention gin.
- And finally... Any man who reads this and comments 'poor bastard' in regard to my husband should be reminded that throughout the 9-months of sheer hell I am enduring which will culminate in a human battering-ram thrusting its way out of my already battle-weary uterus, his contribution was to have sex. So, unless you've shat a marrow with a face and fingernails you can't f@*king comment. Just saying.